


despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage

by turtledux



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - No Bending (Avatar TV), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Author is projecting onto Zuko, Burns, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Ficlet, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It's barely graphic, Mental Health Issues, No Dialogue, Not Beta Read, Other, POV Zuko (Avatar), Phobias, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Pyrophobia, Self-Esteem Issues, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Zuko (Avatar) Angst, Zuko (Avatar) Has Issues, Zuko (Avatar) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, Zuko's Scar (Avatar), and he has it! still mentally ill doe, anger issues, but i'm tagging just in case pls don't be deterred by it, it's only one sentence tho!, vent fic, zuko is actually the only character that appears sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27492172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtledux/pseuds/turtledux
Summary: [ Zuko is scared of fire....That’s not completely accurate.He’s afraid. Petrified. Horrified. Terrified. Haunted. Affrighted. Intimidated. Any and every synonym toscaredcan apply easily to his aversion to fire. They still wouldn’t be enough to describe the sheer amount of terror he feels at the existence, the sheerthoughtof fire. ]Or: 14 yo zuko melodramatically monologues about his hatred for fire bc author is stupid k*nnie who loves venting thru making his faves also hurt. it's better than it sounds i swear(title from 'bullet with butterfly wings' by smashing pumpkins)
Relationships: Azula & Zuko (Avatar), Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Ozai & Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 33





	despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage

**Author's Note:**

> Erm... cheesed to meet u ? anyways hi im SO unhappy w the end result of this it's unreal. it's half vent fic half my try at angst? idk, i love making my fave characters happy so this was a bit of a struggle. no matter how much i changed or added this refused to make me like it more and refused to become long but i worked too mfin hard to Not post it so enjoy <3
> 
> TW: one vague sentence of su/cidal ideation in parentheses at one point, kinda graphic but !Barely! description of my modern interpretation of zuko getting his burn, straight to the point descriptions of other abuse from ozai(i.e. cigarettes burns on arms), and uh this fic centers around zuko's scar/his feelings on that so . Yea Take Heed

Zuko is scared of fire. 

...That’s not completely accurate. 

He’s afraid. Petrified. Horrified. Terrified. Haunted. Affrighted. Intimidated. Any and every synonym to _scared_ can apply easily to his aversion to fire. They still wouldn’t be enough to describe the sheer amount of terror he feels at the existence, the sheer _thought_ of fire.

His psychiatrist and Uncle Iroh call it pyrophobia and PTSD. He calls it weakness. Azula and father would probably call it the same, if he was still in contact with them. With more amusement too, most definitely. 

It’s pathetically easy to cite when this little fear--minimization be noticed--began. That day father-? Ozai? Karma? Whatever title fits best decided he was tired of his inferiority and attempted to snuff it out through means of shoving his face into the fire of a wood burning stove. Decided to show Zuko (and warn Azula) of what happens when he’s disobeyed. Teach him to _learnrespectandthatsufferingwillbehisteacher--_

Umm. Let’s end that tangent before it only worsens. 

Zuko barely remembers the specifics of that day. All he recalls is that damn phrase followed by red hot searing pain, the distinct smell of burning flesh and hair, Azula grinning venomously (despite shaking where she stood as a witness), the sound of his screaming as if it was coming from another, then. Nothing. Next thing he knew he was in the hospital half-lucid with Uncle hunched over in a chair by his side. 

Apparently he’s repressing the memory. Or something like that. Ugh. Therapy jargon. 

Every now and then, though. He’ll ruminate how it all may have been an inevitable buildup. How all the times Ozai would put out a cigarette on his skin in places clothing would hide it, how he’d joke about using his lighter on Zuko to Azula’s (stilted) guffawing and her own little arsonist tendencies made their mark on him. How these all fueled an ugly, ugly creature that wrapped itself around his brain and refuses to budge. 

The first time Uncle lit a candle to meditate, he panicked so intensely the next door neighbors of their apartment complained about clattering noises.  
The first time Uncle lit up his gas stove to put his _tetsubin_ , Zuko’s resulting cup of tea contained mere drops before he could take a sip due to his hands shaking. He avoided the kitchen for two and a half weeks after that.  
The first time… You get the point. 

__

Ozai’s shit was tormenting him even when he lived in what was supposed to be a safe place, and he hates it. He _hates_ it. It happened. It’s over. This was the part where he was supposed to get _better_. The part where he _proves_ himself. 

__

But no. He’s just a way too surly, scared kid ( _No, not kid. No one stays a kid after what happened to him. No other word fits him either anyway._ ) who can’t even think about fire and its contents for too long before going into a cold sweat. 

__

Really, though. It’s fine. He’s _fine_. He’s alive, isn’t he? (In his worst moments, he wonders if he can even consider being alive a pro) He has Uncle Iroh with him, even if he doesn’t deserve all the care despite being such a nuisance. He has a therapist he tolerates at worst, finds vaguely helpful at best. He still has education in the form of online school (There is _no_ way he’s going to a school looking the way he does). Zuko should be grateful. 

__

He isn’t. To put it succinctly, it’s always one step forward, two steps back. He takes a step closer to what he forces himself to think is an eventual return to normalcy, then it just. Isn’t. He gets angry, or he senses what he believes is a presence of flame and reverts to a childish fear. His reactions only anger him more and he takes it out on whatever or whoever’s closest. Usually Uncle. Too unwilling to admit guilt or struggle, he hopes the excess annoyance drives everyone and everything away beforehand. As if he even has enough in his life to count it as plural, pfft. 

__

He wonders how his father’s doing. Not in concern or anything like that... But. _Does he ever wonder about Zuko? Does Ozai miss him? Does the fact he burned his son and left him to rot stir emotion in him? Is there any regret or upset there? Does it feel like nothing? Or is there even joy?_

__

He tries not to think too long about it. He knows he wouldn’t like the answers his mind would give him. 

__

No matter. This is exactly why he has to prove himself as a good man, a good son. He _will_. 

__

**Author's Note:**

> if u read to the end, congrats ! dw fellas zuko eventually gets therapy that helps him and a healthy, loving friend group thru the gaang <3 lmk what u think ig. thanks 4 reading :)) any & every kudos/comment is appreciated, esp comments ;)
> 
> tetsubin = Japanese cast-iron kettles typically used in making boiling/pouring hot water. even after hours of research, i was still unsure if this would b the best type for tea pot for teamaking by gas stove (it works apparently? but u have 2 b careful 2 keep the tetsubin from running down) so forgive me if this aspect is inaccurate :( lmk if there's a better alt and i'll happily change that!


End file.
